Whats up in Zimbabwe? Can't they rig a ballot properly?

Well, we are still waiting for the results of the presidential election run off in Zimbabwe, not that anyone thinks it is either free or fair.

The vote took place on Friday. Apparently they were counted yesterday.

So why the hold up? Given the amount of beatings, murders and intimidation is the result still embarrassing?

After the result, all eyes will be on Africa and we will see if they recognise the nasty evil Robert Mugabe as president.

The BBC has this.

Zimbabwe Elections: Will it backfire?

My understanding is that the presidential election run off is still going ahead despite the fact that Morgan Tsvangirai has stood down as a candidate to avoid further bloodshed.

However, Robert Mugabe is not only going ahead with the vote, but it seems that the voters have been told that if they do not vote they will be beaten.

I have to say that is a very dangerous tactic. I have to wonder if people will vote out of fear but vote for Morgan Tsvangirai.

Needless to say Mugabe is also saying that African leaders should mind their own business. So they should.. except that Zimbabwe is flooding the place with refugees. That causes them pain.

Zimbabwe: Is it time for the Colonels to seek promotion?

Much spleen has been vented by Zimbabwe's generals about how they will never accept an MDC government, they say on the basis that it would be selling out to the former colonial power.

It is clear that Zimbabwe is going a bit pear shaped and has been for a while. The ultimate loyalty of the lower ranks of both the army and police has been drawn into question.

We know hear that the UN Security Council has condemned the violence and said there can not be a free and fair election. Bear in mind that this includes Russia, China and South Africa. Robert Mugabe and the Generals must feel very lonely.

This is the time when ambitious colonels can snatch a promotion and rid Zimbabwe of Mugabe and his clique. Go on, you know it makes sense!

The BBC has this.

Morgan Tsvangirai quits race to avoid resounding beating

Morgan Tsvangirai quits race to avoid resounding beating according to sources close to Zanu PF.

This is of course entirely accurate, though would have been more so if they had also used adjectives such as brutal, murderous and possibly fatal.

There is no doubt that Robert Mugabe and his regieme are doing anything to hang on to power whilst South Africa's Thabo Mbeki bestrides the stage like a paralised streak of piss.

At least some of the SADC nations are beginning to speak out, like Zambia's president Levy Mwanawasa. The BBC has this on what he has said:

But Levy Mwanawasa, president of neighbouring Zambia, said the run-off should be postponed "to avert a catastrophe in the region".

He said Zimbabwe's economic collapse was affecting the whole region, and he called on SADC to take a similar stance.

"It's scandalous for SADC to remain silent on Zimbabwe," he said.

"What is happening in Zimbabwe is embarrassing to all of us."

The BBC has this.

Zimbabwe Judge cites Habeas Corpus

The deputy leader of the MDC, Tendai Biti was arrested at Harare airport on Thursday, and has been held without access to his lawyers since.

Now a high court judge in Harare has demanded that Tendai Biti be brought before him and that the police explain why he is being held.

This is the principle of Habeas Corpus that started with Magna Carta. Makes you proud to be British doesn't it? Bit of a shame that this government is trying to get rid of it though.

The BBC has this.

African dockers have more balls than African Presidents: Official!

Well, it turns out that Durban dockers have refused to offload the cargo of ammunition bound for Mugabe's regime in Zimbabwe.

They have shown principle and balls where no African President has, particularly Thabo Mbeki.

The High Court in Durban has also said that the ammunition can not be shipped across South Africa.

Those waiting for Thabo Mbeki to show either principles or courage have received medical advice that holding their breath until he shows either will be fatal.

The BBC has this.

Zimbabwe Elections results miscounted: Official!

A Zanu PF spokesman, who did not wish to be named has made issued a statement:

The election results have been miscounted by the Electoral Commission of Zimbabwe. They did not realise that each vote for Zanu PF should be cherished and loved, and more importantly counted many times. We have invited the electoral commission to a secret location so that they can correct their error without being held up to public ridicule.

We do however expect the recount to take some time as some fingers of the electoral commission staff were accidentally injured whilst explaining their error to them.

We thank the people Zimbabwe for their patience and the results will be available as soon as they have been cooked enough recounted.

The BBC, on the other hand, has this.

Robert Mugabe: Going, going, gone?

News is leaking out of Zimbabwe that Zanu PF and Robert Mugabe are in negotiations about his retirement.

The US State department predicts a statement shortly.

Good news I'd say.

That said, I do hope Morgan Tsvangirai does not make Mugabe's mistakes.

The BBC has this.

So who has the balls to tell Mugabe he has lost?

It appears the big hold up in announcing the results of the presidential election in Zimbabwe is that no one has the balls to tell Robert Mugabe he has lost, whilst he appears not to have the power to get anyone to announce he has won.

Well, there seem to be two ways to solve this problem.

1. Someone go tell Morgan Tsvangirai he has one, and his first job is to tell Robert.
2. Give me Roberts mobile, and I will tell him what a loser he is*.

*I may be unkind when doing so, and am not in a position to promise not to laugh. A lot.

The BBC has this.

Morgan Tsvangirai Attacks Police!

Yes you heard it here first!

According to a spokesman for the Zimbabwean government Morgan Tsvangirai ruthlessly attacked police.

An eye witness who did not wish to be murdered named said he saw Mr Tsvangirai head but a police mans truncheon several times. A large gentleman stood directly behind explained "It's a devil of a job to clean the blood off a truncheon after someone has head butted it repeatedly"

Meanwhile the Chief of Harare's Police complained about agitators. "They cause immense damage by constantly throwing themselves down stairs, spattering blood as they go. The cleaning bill is horrific. When you add that to the damage they do to truncheons by ruthlessly head butting them it seriously affects our budgets!"

Meanwhile in other news, there are rumors that Muhammad Saeed al-Sahhaf has been approached to act as spokesman for the government of Zimbabwe to lend it much needed credibility.

The BBC has this obviously biased report here.